I had anxiety all morning. I focused it on Mike. I spoke to Cat about it and told her I don’t really understand why I miss him. Nothing has really changed in my life. He was really hardly ever here, and I really only heard from him during the day. She said he was there in some fashion, and now there is a void. There is definitely a void – but it is only a mental/emotional void. It is not a physical void. God – the mind is a powerful thing!
I went to see my therapist today. I went thinking that I didn’t really want to talk. she started the session by saying, “Let’s talk about what you feel like talking about.” I didn’t think I wanted to talk – but I did. She’s nice. I don’t know if sessions with her will benefit me in any way – but I am willing to give it a try. And in any case it builds my professional network – and that is fine if that is all I have to rely upon for right now.
I did take another 100 mg of Wellbutrin at 12:00 today. It seemed to really help me this afternoon. I was even able to stay and concentrate on work an extra 45 minutes. But boy – I came home exhausted. I fell asleep for about 2 hours when I got home. My throat is hurting again – and my skin feels super sensitive – like I’m going to get shingles or something. My body is also achey too. I have this feeling the Wellbutrin causes these symptoms – but I don’t know why they show up only sporadically. Anyway – I am going to persevere on the medication for now anyway. There is no way that I want to try to switch or change it until I am not so pensive about Mike. I am going to give it some time to smooth out a bit – hopefully it will.
I kept my door closed at work again today. The peace and lack of stimulation still feels so nice. I am going to take shelter in the isolation for right now.
Ryan told me that he was going to court today. I have this feeling that something not very good happened. He was communicating with me via text throughout the morning – being very encouraging. He stopped texting after he was supposed to go to court. when I got out of work – I text him and asked him how things went. He still hasn’t replied. I think he may have been put in army jail (is there such a thing?)
Denise stopped by my office today. She is applying for a job at PCC, and she wants me to write a recommendation for her. I asked her about Dino – since she obviously is now planning to stay here in Pueblo. I guess they recently broke up. She cried about it – I hugged her. It was nice to have someone to be in a similar situation and to be able to find comfort from each other. She is supposed to come to dinner in two weeks. Shoot – I just realized that I might have scheduled that the same weekend that I am going to Wichita. I better check tomorrow.
I have changed the location of the dogs’ bowls. I moved them from the breakfast nook to the garage. I thought it might look nicer – since the breakfast nook is one of the first thing guests see. They are still going to the breakfast nook to be fed. Hopefully they will get used to being fed in the garage soon.
Well, I feel like I was going somewhat strong for three days – and now I am exhausted. I want to keep going though… I just spent the past hour on the phone with T trying to pick out graduation announcements. I really wanted to persevere and clean the living room tonight – but my throat is so sore - I sound hoarse, and my body aches. I think I am sick again. Damn!
