All I wanted was to sleep in until 10, but between the Wellbutrin, Ryan, Aldina, Mike and my two dogs – I didn’t get to. I don’t really have time to write, although I feel like I have a lot to get out. Hopefully I will have time to purge later on in my day.
Archive for Ryan Martinez
All I wanted was to Sleep in Until 10…
Posted in Journal with tags Michael Cervantes, Ryan Martinez on May 7, 2011 by razorNo Sleep; No Kittens
Posted in Journal with tags Ryan Martinez, Wellbutrin on May 6, 2011 by razorThere is something so wrong with me physically. I had a fever last night that didn’t break until about 2, and I have not slept. I wish I could take the day off – but I know I can’t.
There are so many factors playing into this now – I don’t know which is causing the problems – Did I lose too much weight? Is my liver ok? Is it the Wellbutrin? I can tell that I still have a fever and my throat is still sore.
Ryan text me last night at about midnight, so at least I know he is alright. He didn’t say how court went – and I didn’t respond. I really had nothing to say, and I was feeling so ill anyway.
I’ve decided to try 150 mg of Wellbutrin in the morning, and take another 50 mg at 10:00 – let’s see how this goes.
Kitty still has not had her kittens. I thought she would have had them by now. I am glad that I am not going to Wichita this weekend so I can be here for her. Actually – I’m just glad I’m not going to Wichita because I don’t think I can physically handle it right now. I will be able to rest this weekend. I had wanted to go to the well – but I don’t know if draining myself in the sun would just make me even more tired.
So here goes another day. The only thing I want to accomplish at work today is getting the next P-Card report to Helen. Here – I guess I just need to see if my professors have replied to my email, clean the family room, and try to do something that will make me feel better today.
Three Day Optimism
Posted in Journal with tags Cat, Michael Cervantes, Ryan Martinez, therapist, Wellbutrin on May 5, 2011 by razorI had anxiety all morning. I focused it on Mike. I spoke to Cat about it and told her I don’t really understand why I miss him. Nothing has really changed in my life. He was really hardly ever here, and I really only heard from him during the day. She said he was there in some fashion, and now there is a void. There is definitely a void – but it is only a mental/emotional void. It is not a physical void. God – the mind is a powerful thing!
I went to see my therapist today. I went thinking that I didn’t really want to talk. she started the session by saying, “Let’s talk about what you feel like talking about.” I didn’t think I wanted to talk – but I did. She’s nice. I don’t know if sessions with her will benefit me in any way – but I am willing to give it a try. And in any case it builds my professional network – and that is fine if that is all I have to rely upon for right now.
I did take another 100 mg of Wellbutrin at 12:00 today. It seemed to really help me this afternoon. I was even able to stay and concentrate on work an extra 45 minutes. But boy – I came home exhausted. I fell asleep for about 2 hours when I got home. My throat is hurting again – and my skin feels super sensitive – like I’m going to get shingles or something. My body is also achey too. I have this feeling the Wellbutrin causes these symptoms – but I don’t know why they show up only sporadically. Anyway – I am going to persevere on the medication for now anyway. There is no way that I want to try to switch or change it until I am not so pensive about Mike. I am going to give it some time to smooth out a bit – hopefully it will.
I kept my door closed at work again today. The peace and lack of stimulation still feels so nice. I am going to take shelter in the isolation for right now.
Ryan told me that he was going to court today. I have this feeling that something not very good happened. He was communicating with me via text throughout the morning – being very encouraging. He stopped texting after he was supposed to go to court. when I got out of work – I text him and asked him how things went. He still hasn’t replied. I think he may have been put in army jail (is there such a thing?)
Denise stopped by my office today. She is applying for a job at PCC, and she wants me to write a recommendation for her. I asked her about Dino – since she obviously is now planning to stay here in Pueblo. I guess they recently broke up. She cried about it – I hugged her. It was nice to have someone to be in a similar situation and to be able to find comfort from each other. She is supposed to come to dinner in two weeks. Shoot – I just realized that I might have scheduled that the same weekend that I am going to Wichita. I better check tomorrow.
I have changed the location of the dogs’ bowls. I moved them from the breakfast nook to the garage. I thought it might look nicer – since the breakfast nook is one of the first thing guests see. They are still going to the breakfast nook to be fed. Hopefully they will get used to being fed in the garage soon.
Well, I feel like I was going somewhat strong for three days – and now I am exhausted. I want to keep going though… I just spent the past hour on the phone with T trying to pick out graduation announcements. I really wanted to persevere and clean the living room tonight – but my throat is so sore - I sound hoarse, and my body aches. I think I am sick again. Damn!
Relationships
Posted in Journal with tags Brendon Pankey, Carlton Faille, disposable relationships, Ephraim Tooley, Gregg Gordon, Jerry Medina, John Willis, Keith Whiting, Michael Cervantes, Paul Righini, Rich Antonino, Ryan Martinez, Stone Torrez, Toby Gizzonio, Tony Cozzolino, Tony Montoya on May 2, 2011 by razor
I have been pondering the subjects of relationships for awhile - and feeling frustrated in the futility that I seem to always end at. My questions seem futile, and right now – relationships themselves feel futile as well. I am sure that my questioning is somewhat futile – but I am sure that relationships serve a purpose in everyone’s life.
I realized about 11 years ago that all relationships come to an end. Lovers split, friends move away and don’t keep in touch, or eventually – people die and the relationship as it existed at that point is no longer. I have thrown away all romantic naiveté that goes with the ideas of “best friends forever” and “soul mates”, etc. The truth is that people come and go in and out of one’s life. Some stay longer than others, but they all eventually leave.
I think the only conclusions that I have come to that seem to make the endeavor of having real relationships with other people is they are a necessity in every person’s life. I am coming to accept that for whatever reasons, relationships come and go in my life. Most relationships last about three years, some longer, some shorter. That includes my relationships with women as well as men. I really have no idea why this is – and not just the superficial why – but the deep down root of the issue why.
I realize that I can let it bother me (which at times it does), or I can try to accept it and just keep trying to do my best in relationships. However, before I try my best, I think I need to be wiser in choosing people to have a relationship with.
So on to a new cast of characters in my life – the old characters that I wish would have stayed are gone, and those that I wish would disappear are still here (namely the people at work.) Who knows who will be in the next three years of my life.
And I guess I should be thankful – I have one permanent relationship that has lasted more than three years, and I know is somewhat of an anchor in my life – my relationship with Tabrizia. I wonder what exactly makes that relationship so much different from the rest?
