I love this song!
I can bring a man to his knees
And get what I need without saying please… ~Lloyd
Archive for Music Video
Dedication To My Ex by Lloyd ft. Andre 3000 & Lil Wayne
Posted in Music, Video with tags Dedication to My Ex, Lloyd, Music, Music Video on October 31, 2011 by razorMental Health Day
Posted in Journal, Music, Video with tags Black Eyed Peas, dreams, Healing, Jennifer A Hazard, Meet Me Halfway, Mental Health Day, Michael Cervantes, Music Video, pain on October 12, 2011 by razorI decided to take a mental health day to work on my case brief and regroup here in my house. So I slept in, text my friends, checked my email and facebook and have had two cigarettes so far.
Not so happy about the two cigarettes. During this process of breaking up with Mike – I have become addicted to cigarettes. Not good – but I guess it is what I needed at the time. I will have to work on weaning myself off real soon.
I didn’t text Mike this morning – as a matter of fact, I deleted him and Jen from my contacts. I know his number by heart – so I can contact him in the future should I ever need to, and I have Jen’s number in my skype (but if she were smart – she would have changed her number…) It actually felt good to delete the numbers, and the thought of not texting him anymore feels good. But the song “Meet Me Halfway” came on, and I thought of him. This is really a process for sure.
I had dreams last night – dreams that I believe are helping to dissolve my pain – my pain from this relationship, and pain from other relationships in the past. All I remember is that I was driving from Colorado to Kansas in a trailer. At one point we had stopped, and there was my boyfriend (faceless I think) holding hands with another woman. I walked up to the other woman and told her “He’s mine – don’t you know that?’ It reminded me of when Keith and I were breaking up, and I spied on him, and saw him holding one of his friends hands. I made a scene. I was so young then. When I was back on the trailer, I realized that he had went back to Colorado with the girl. I was begging for the driver to take me back, but they wanted to make it to the border of Kansas. At one point in the dream, I was with these really, really young girls that were having issues with masturbation. That wasn’t the problem – the problem was that they would do it in public (like Tracy in 5th grade). One of them started masturbating. She grabbed a bristle brush and stuck it inside of her – bristle end first. I was so concerned for her. I went and told on her. But the guy I told was worried about the brush and not the girl. I said something to him like “she is going to tear herself up on the inside.”
I really do want to dissolve all of this pain. It’s there – no doubt about it. I can enjoy the present at times despite it, and but I know dissolving it will be a good thing. I am glad that I have this opportunity to try and deal with those past pain build ups as well.
I can’t go any further than this
I want you so badly, it’s my biggest wishI spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day yes, i’m really missin’ missin’ you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey boy, wuz up, it use to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout youMeet me halfway, right at the boarderline
That’s where i’m gonna wait, for you
I’ll be lookin out, night n’day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i’ll stay
I can’t go any further then this
I want you so bad it’s my only wishBoy, I travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe I go to other galaxies
Just tell me where you want, just tell me where you wanna to meet
I navigate myself myself to take me where you be
Cause boy I want, i, i, I want you right now
I travel uptown (town) I travel downtown
I wanna to have you around (round) like every single day
I love you alway..waysLet’s walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and I (just you and I)
I will fly, i’ll fly the skies, for you and I (for you and I)
I will try, until I die, for you and i, for you and i, for for you and i,
For for you and i, for for you and i, for you and i~Black Eyed Peas
So Over You
Posted in Journal, Music, Video with tags Best Thing I Never Had, Beyonce, Michael Cervantes, Music Video, Official Music Video, threesome, Video on August 29, 2011 by razorThis has to be a record time that I got over somebody. I lost all respect for Mike, and my view of him has been changed tremendously. Yesterday I was pining away for him, and perhaps it was because I spent a whole weekend, sick, cooped up and working on papers for graduate school. Feeling like I missed him incredibly last night, I contacted him. He did not feel like talking. He injured his ankle at a soccer game. He put his phone on silent – but I blew it up all night with text messages and phone calls begging him to have one last conversation with me.
I woke up early and went straight to work (with the intention of being done with everything that needed to be done, and then get out of there by 7 am and take a sick day. Didn’t happen. ) Mike called on his way to work I suppose. I could barely talk because my throat is still a mess – I don’t even really remember what we talked about. At some point he started reading the texts that I sent to him last night. When he saw the message that I had my first lesbian experience – he was all over that. Once again, the subject of a threesome came up (see earlier post where he just gets so obssesive about the subject.) Soon – he just went into this rant about how I never gave him anything that he wanted – that was the one thing that he wanted, etc. I guess if his rant had just stayed at that – it would have been ok – or at least tolerable. I have heard him say all of those things before. But then he started begging, conjoling, and manipulating me to try to allow him to join me and Randy in a threesome. This is when I noticed his absolute disregard for others when it comes to sex – and his weird mind set about it. The other night when I asked him why he had lied about coming to Pueblo the day before my birthday, he answered, “Becasue I didn’t want you to be with anybody,” regardless of the fact that he already has a new girlfriend. He is the absolute eptiome of the saying my mom alsways told me, “Men are like dogs with bones – they don’t want them, but they don’t want anyone else to have them either.” He offered to break up with his new girlfriend, and then ask her back out after the threesome – or just let her go completely “there are plenty of other women out there”. And then he said something that I couldn’t believe – “It would be a good way to bring closure to our relationship.” Anyway – I realize that he has no intention of leaving this new girl, and ending up with me (duh – big red truck) – but even more – I realized that he is shady to his very core. He finally admitted to me that he broke up with me the first time in the hopes of being able to go out with Maddie. He hasn’t admitted that he broke up with me this last time becasue he was interested in this new girl – but I know it’s true. But he is being a shady dog with her as well. What the hell? He said that they weren’t in a “committed relationship” (thinking back to the time that he told Maddie that Kitsune was in the back yard because school was on vacation and I had a back yard) – but it makes him nervous to not be in a committed relationship with her. He doesn’t want her “to sleep with anybody else.” And yet he is on the phone begging me to let him join a threesome.
Anyway – I changed my number. It felt so good, and I feel so free! I can’t believe how doing that one thing has made me feel light and empowered. I have no desire to talk to him ever again. I saw a side of him that just disgusts me.
What goes around comes back around…
There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must’ve been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I, I saw the real youThank God you blew it
I thank God I dodged the bullet
I’m so over you
So baby good lookin’ outI wanted you bad
I’m so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had ~Beyonce
Not Over You by Gavin DeGraw (Official Music Video)
Posted in Music, Video with tags Gavin DeGraw, Lyrics, Michael Cervantes, Music, Music Video, Not Over You, Official Music Video on August 28, 2011 by razorDreams, that’s where I have to go
To see your beautiful – face anymore
I stare at a picture of you, and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there’s a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good
But until then it’s alienation, I know
That much is understood – and I realizeIf you ask me how I’m doing
I would say I’m doing just fine
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I’m forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I’m – not over you (not over you)Damn, damn boy you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell
But still you’re magnificent
I’m a boomerang, doesn’t matter how you throw me
I turn around and I’m back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I’m not even close without youAnd if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you’d be convinced
So until then…
To see your beautiful – face anymore
I stare at a picture of you, and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there’s a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good
But until then it’s alienation, I know
That much is understood – and I realizeIf you ask me how I’m doing
I would say I’m doing just fine
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I’m forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I’m – not over you (not over you)Damn, damn boy you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell
But still you’re magnificent
I’m a boomerang, doesn’t matter how you throw me
I turn around and I’m back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I’m not even close without youAnd if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you’d be convinced
So until then…
All the Lovers by Kylie Minogue (Official Music Video)
Posted in Journal, Music, Video with tags All the Lovers, Compatible Lovers, Kylie Minogue, Lyrics, Michael Cervantes, Music, Music Video, Video on August 28, 2011 by razorAfter one has had so many lovers, and you find one that is so compatible, and lose them – there is the fear that noone else will ever be as good. But in all probability, with 7 billion people in the World – there is still hope to perhaps find someone even more compatible.
It hurts
When you get too close
But baby it hurts
If love is really good
You just want more
Even if it throws you to the fire fire fire fireAll the lovers
That have gone before
They don’t compare to you
Don’t be running
Just give me a little bit more
They don’t compare
All the lovers ~Kylie Minogue
Dancing on My Own by Robyn (Official Video)
Posted in Music, Video with tags Dance Music, Dancing on My Own, Music, Music Video, Robyn on August 27, 2011 by razorI’m just gonna dance all night
I’m all messed up, I’m so out of line
Stilettos and broken bottles
I’m spinning around in circles
I Hate This Part – You Make Me Sick (Egypt Central)
Posted in Journal, Music, Video with tags butt dialing, Egypt Central, futile thoughts, Michael Cervantes, Music Video, You Make Me Sick on August 25, 2011 by razorThis is the part I hate. I was at work at 6 am this morning. I am exhausted. When I am tired this way – my guard is down.
I accidently called Mike this morning. I was in a hurry trying to get Helen’s lab ready by 8 am. I was walking back from the stockroom holding my phone. When I walked into my office and put my phone down – I could here his voicemail intro, “This is Mike…” At first I thought I was hearing things. When I realized that I had accidently hit “2″ and “send” somewhere along the way from the cell lab to my office . I thought, “Fuck – now he is going to think that I am trying to contact him.” I quickly texted him, “Sorry. I still have you in my speed dial and I accidently butt dialed your number. I’ll remove it from my contacts so it doesn’t happen again.” And then I proceeded to remove his number off my cell phone.
I have to admit that it made me anxious when he didn’t repsond. I thought “Great – I had the last word – and it was that I butt dialed him. He doesn’t believe me, and he has satisfaction now.” God – why do relationships have to be all about who wins? About 20 minutes he did respond – but it was just another apology for all the mean shit he said to me on the last Thursday night that we talked. “I didn’t mean anything to hurt you?” Really? Because I couldn’t tell from the things he said that night! – Well, maybe. I know he was drunk – not really an excuse, and he must have been feeling just as hurt as me. So he was trying to hurt me – he felt hurt, and wanted to hurt me back.
I never wanted to hear about the new girl he is seeing. I told him before that I didn’t want to know anything – and he is the one who started that night, “her stomach is flat – no kids…” That was the one thing I never wanted. He could have compared us to eachother all he wanted inside his fucking head – but I never wanted any information that would make me compare myself to her. I did the one really low thing that I had been tempted to do earlier in the week – but didn’t do because I thought it was just the lowest thing. I sent him Benden’s picture.
Anyway, I am sitting here tonight – trying to get my paper done. But I am feeling so tired, and my mind is wandering. It goes to futile places, “He must have been with her this morning and that is why he didn’t answer the phone… He was with her that Monday morning that I was calling him and he didn’t answer…”
But you know what – he finally did the magical thing that was going to end our viscious circle. He said “she’s aweome” – compared me to her, and I didn’t measure up. When I start thinking that I am missing him – I just think of all the texts he sent me last Thursday, and how shady he was throughout the whole relationship, and it makes me feel sick – and I don’t miss him. For right now – I have to keep those sick feelings at the forefront to keep from wanting to think about him. Thank god work is so busy right now.
I used to think this was perfect,
and wish that it was never ending
But those days are gone forever.
It’s something I’m not missing
There’s a force – there’s a voice in my head
Telling me to think about the times that you were cruel and mean
I don’t care if you walk away
I’m here to stay and you need to hear: You make me sick… ~Egypt Central
On to Being Single
Posted in Journal, Music, Video with tags Alone, Brighton Pineda, Jason Derulo, Michael Cervantes, Music Video, Ridin' Solo, single, singlehood, solo on August 24, 2011 by razorI really don’t like the sound of that phrase “being single”, but any other word sounds just as awkward to me – “on to singlehood”, “on to singleness”. Maybe it is because I haven’t been for so long.
I am actually looking forward to it. Last night when I went to bed, I got anxious at the thought of “being alone”. But I just went and laid down in the other room, took a few deep breaths, focused on other things, and eventually fell asleep.
Brighton came over tonight to work on speeding up my computer. It was great to see him. We spent a little time catching up on the past three years. He actually reminded me of Mike at one point. He mentioned the camping trip we all went on (when I got stickers in my foot), and of course – EDC. He thought that the last time he saw Mike was on the camping trip, but I know that couldn’t be because Mike and I were not going out yet when we had went on that camping trip, and we were dating when we went to EDC. So probably the last time Brighton saw Mike was at EDC. It’s hard to believe that much time has passed since I’ve seen Brighton, and since Mike and I first started dating.
While Brighton was working on my computer, I got a lot of stuff done. I tidied up the front yard, washed the front windows, and hung up the plaque that the Fenstermachers gave me for my wedding – “The Righinis - Est. 1997″. I enjoy doing these little things around the house, and while I was doing them – I thought it will be very nice to be single for a while and take the time to complete all the house maintenance stuff.
One other reason I should be thankful for fewer distractions – today there was an announcement sent out via email that CSU-Pueblo just received money for scholarships for those students that want to complete a math degree. I went and talked to Janet Barnett immediately. It sounds very hopeful that I can actually apply for one of the scholarships and get the math degree I have always wanted.
So “singleness” – I embrace you!
No one to answer to
No one that’s gonna argue, no
And since I got that hold off me
I’m livin’ life now that I’m free, yeahTold me get my shit together
Now I got my shit together, yeah
Now I made it through the weather
Better days are gonna get better
I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out – I’m movin’ on
I’m so sorry but it’s over now
The pain is gone ~Jason Derulo
You and I – Lady Gaga (Music Video)
Posted in Journal, Music, Video with tags birthday, Lady Gaga, Music Video, Nebraska, New York Bartendar, Randy, Stefanie Germonatta, The Favorite, woman dressed in drag, You and I on August 21, 2011 by razor
It has been a very long week for sure. It’s Sunday morning, and I am just thankful for a good night’s sleep, and some peace this morning.
I spoke with Aldina first thing this morning. I always ask for Paul now. It comforts me that he is with the kids, and that they all seem like they are doing exceptionally well. I like talking to him. I know him, he is so familiar to me, and comforting because of that. No surprises, just his good, eccentric, simple ways.
He told Aldina to tell me to watch Lady Gaga’s video – You and I – “the UK version.” I told her that I thought I already watched it. T had posted it on her FaceBook page last week. She loves the video. I have to admit – both T and Paul have excellent taste in music – and Tabrizia loves her theatrics. Aldina said that he loved the part where she screamed out that she writes her own music. I knew that wasn’t in the official video, so I figured there must have been something else that he had seen. I youtubed it, and watched her performance in London. He was right, her performance in London about a year ago is amazing. I called back to let him know that he should also watch the official video that was just released.
While I was looking for the official video to watch again, I discovered some infomration. The song was inspired by a New York bartendar that Stefanie Germonatta was in an on again/off again relationship with. The video she says is about a journey to winning an estranged love back.
Sometimes in love, you can’t make it work,” she continued about that particular scene. “No matter what you do, there’s this giant boundary between you and someone else. So that’s what it’s about, perceiving in your imagination that there’s something magical inside of you that you can make it work.”
It’s a real-life former love that has left an indelible mark on Gaga’s creative spirit, and she says that this video perfectly captures that. “For me, it was all about capturing the true spirit of the song, which is when you’re in love, you’ll be willing to walk and do the craziest and most inconvenient things you can possibly imagine,” she added. “The video is quite complex in the way that the story is told, and it’s meant to be slightly linear and slightly twisted and confusing, which is the way that love is. (http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1669370/lady-gaga-mermaid-sex-you-and-i.jhtml)
In one scene, she is playing the piano, while another version of her self is dressed in drag and sitting on top of the piano. The version of her dressed in drag reminds me of this women I met on the night of my past birthday. She said her name was “Randy” – I don’t know if that is true, but she was sexy as hell, and made a huge impression on me. This post is dedicated to her.
Something, Something about the chase!
