My heart is aching!
The End Of Heartache by Shyann (Deviant Art)
Archive for Michael Cervantes
The End of Heartache by Shyann (Deviant Art)
Posted in Art, Journal, Paintings with tags Art, Deviant Art, Heartache, Michael Cervantes, painting, Shyann, Shyann Deviant Art, The End of Heartache on August 26, 2011 by razorI Hate This Part – You Make Me Sick (Egypt Central)
Posted in Journal, Music, Video with tags butt dialing, Egypt Central, futile thoughts, Michael Cervantes, Music Video, You Make Me Sick on August 25, 2011 by razorThis is the part I hate. I was at work at 6 am this morning. I am exhausted. When I am tired this way – my guard is down.
I accidently called Mike this morning. I was in a hurry trying to get Helen’s lab ready by 8 am. I was walking back from the stockroom holding my phone. When I walked into my office and put my phone down – I could here his voicemail intro, “This is Mike…” At first I thought I was hearing things. When I realized that I had accidently hit “2″ and “send” somewhere along the way from the cell lab to my office . I thought, “Fuck – now he is going to think that I am trying to contact him.” I quickly texted him, “Sorry. I still have you in my speed dial and I accidently butt dialed your number. I’ll remove it from my contacts so it doesn’t happen again.” And then I proceeded to remove his number off my cell phone.
I have to admit that it made me anxious when he didn’t repsond. I thought “Great – I had the last word – and it was that I butt dialed him. He doesn’t believe me, and he has satisfaction now.” God – why do relationships have to be all about who wins? About 20 minutes he did respond – but it was just another apology for all the mean shit he said to me on the last Thursday night that we talked. “I didn’t mean anything to hurt you?” Really? Because I couldn’t tell from the things he said that night! – Well, maybe. I know he was drunk – not really an excuse, and he must have been feeling just as hurt as me. So he was trying to hurt me – he felt hurt, and wanted to hurt me back.
I never wanted to hear about the new girl he is seeing. I told him before that I didn’t want to know anything – and he is the one who started that night, “her stomach is flat – no kids…” That was the one thing I never wanted. He could have compared us to eachother all he wanted inside his fucking head – but I never wanted any information that would make me compare myself to her. I did the one really low thing that I had been tempted to do earlier in the week – but didn’t do because I thought it was just the lowest thing. I sent him Benden’s picture.
Anyway, I am sitting here tonight – trying to get my paper done. But I am feeling so tired, and my mind is wandering. It goes to futile places, “He must have been with her this morning and that is why he didn’t answer the phone… He was with her that Monday morning that I was calling him and he didn’t answer…”
But you know what – he finally did the magical thing that was going to end our viscious circle. He said “she’s aweome” – compared me to her, and I didn’t measure up. When I start thinking that I am missing him – I just think of all the texts he sent me last Thursday, and how shady he was throughout the whole relationship, and it makes me feel sick – and I don’t miss him. For right now – I have to keep those sick feelings at the forefront to keep from wanting to think about him. Thank god work is so busy right now.
I used to think this was perfect,
and wish that it was never ending
But those days are gone forever.
It’s something I’m not missing
There’s a force – there’s a voice in my head
Telling me to think about the times that you were cruel and mean
I don’t care if you walk away
I’m here to stay and you need to hear: You make me sick… ~Egypt Central
On to Being Single
Posted in Journal, Music, Video with tags Alone, Brighton Pineda, Jason Derulo, Michael Cervantes, Music Video, Ridin' Solo, single, singlehood, solo on August 24, 2011 by razorI really don’t like the sound of that phrase “being single”, but any other word sounds just as awkward to me – “on to singlehood”, “on to singleness”. Maybe it is because I haven’t been for so long.
I am actually looking forward to it. Last night when I went to bed, I got anxious at the thought of “being alone”. But I just went and laid down in the other room, took a few deep breaths, focused on other things, and eventually fell asleep.
Brighton came over tonight to work on speeding up my computer. It was great to see him. We spent a little time catching up on the past three years. He actually reminded me of Mike at one point. He mentioned the camping trip we all went on (when I got stickers in my foot), and of course – EDC. He thought that the last time he saw Mike was on the camping trip, but I know that couldn’t be because Mike and I were not going out yet when we had went on that camping trip, and we were dating when we went to EDC. So probably the last time Brighton saw Mike was at EDC. It’s hard to believe that much time has passed since I’ve seen Brighton, and since Mike and I first started dating.
While Brighton was working on my computer, I got a lot of stuff done. I tidied up the front yard, washed the front windows, and hung up the plaque that the Fenstermachers gave me for my wedding – “The Righinis - Est. 1997″. I enjoy doing these little things around the house, and while I was doing them – I thought it will be very nice to be single for a while and take the time to complete all the house maintenance stuff.
One other reason I should be thankful for fewer distractions – today there was an announcement sent out via email that CSU-Pueblo just received money for scholarships for those students that want to complete a math degree. I went and talked to Janet Barnett immediately. It sounds very hopeful that I can actually apply for one of the scholarships and get the math degree I have always wanted.
So “singleness” – I embrace you!
No one to answer to
No one that’s gonna argue, no
And since I got that hold off me
I’m livin’ life now that I’m free, yeahTold me get my shit together
Now I got my shit together, yeah
Now I made it through the weather
Better days are gonna get better
I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out – I’m movin’ on
I’m so sorry but it’s over now
The pain is gone ~Jason Derulo
Save Me – Hanson (Music Video)
Posted in Music, Video with tags Hanson, Lyrics, Michael Cervantes, Save Me, Video on July 22, 2011 by razorsuddenly the sky is falling
could it be it’s too late for me
well if i never said im sorry, then im wrong, im wrong
then i hear my spirit calling
wonder if he’s longing for me
and then i know that i cant live without himwon’t you save me, ’cause saving is what i need
i just want to be by your side
won’t you save me, i dont wanna be
just driftin through the sea of life ~Hanson
Never Again!
Posted in Journal with tags 3Oh!3, Amanda Seyfried, Billy Joel, Blah Blah Blah, Geena Davis, Gregg Gordon, Ke$ha, Kevin O'Donnell, Long Kiss Goodnight, Michael Cervantes, Mila Kunis, Sometimes a Fantasy, Student Services on May 15, 2011 by razorI am sure that I have felt this angry before, but I just don’t remember when, how long it lasted, and what it took to get over it. I feel so through with life already. I can’t imagine things getting better. I really can’t. I am even tired of hearing the whining inside my head.
I feel like doing something hateful to Mike that would make me feel better – but thankfully – I’ve been there, and done that before – and I know that it doesn’t work.
I am watching this foreign movie right now called “Student Services“. It’s about a girl who becomes a prostitute to make her way through school. She has a boyfriend – kin of – who is ok with it. God – just reminds me of how selfish men are.
This past week sucked so bad – I honestly don’t think things can get worse than this – and if they did – God – I wouldn’t want to stick around for it!
Ok – now here boyfriend looks a little sad about it. Men are so stupid! He just blew up at one of her clients at a restaurant – I’m laughing. Fuck men don’t know what the hell they want – ever!
I meant what I said in my last post – I want my next lover to be a female. A mature female. Oh well – “It’s just a fantasy… It’s not the real thing…”
When am I gonna take control get a hold of my emotions
Why does it only seem to hit me in the middle of the night…
I’m sure there’s many times you’ve wanted me to hear your secrets
Don’t be afraid to say the words that move me
Anytime you want to tell them to me… ~Billy Joel
(now her boyfriend is mad at her – how ridiculous! – So Familiar!)
That’s how all the bull shit started this week – my trying to share a fantasy with Mike. I really would like to have sex with a female before I die… I told Kevin… (What started this fantasy – a little bit of Gregg and a lot of Mila Kunis and Amanda Seyfried!)
(I had to finish watching the movie. She quit slutting, got a waitress job in Paris, and got A’s in her classes – woo hoo – happy ending – oh yes…)
Anyway – I told Kevin that I was going to use that as an incentive to not commit suicide. Anytime I think I want to kill myself – I will think that I haven’t slept with a girl yet and not do it. I was just joking – kinda. Well – I sent a text message to Mike saying that I want to have sex with a woman – and before you know it – it was all about him – selfish bastard. His fantasy – the threesome. god – he took it so seriously too – like this was going to be happening that night! God – there is no end to his selfishness! It finally came down to “Well, Are we going out…” and he gave the same old answers that he has been giving since day one… The age, blah blah blah, my family and friends, blah, blah, blah, the relationship is uneven, blah, blah, blah – I finally couldn’t take the blah, blah, blah anymore! I told him to never contact me again.
TOOL ALERT!
Oh Blah-di-blah blah, blah-di blah blah blah
Comin’ out your mouth with your blah blah blah
Zip your lips like a padlock… ~Kesha
Just started watching one of my favorite movies of all time, the Long Kiss Goodnight with Geena Davis. See – who says that someone can’t have fun alone! (My dogs are driving me fucking nuts – going in and out, barking, pawing at the door… Fuck!!!)
Of course dickhead does contact me again – he is too confused not to! He sent me two texts in the middle of the night, one at midnight and one at 1:30 am. The first one says, “I miss you” and the second says “I don’t like being alone.” And then me – being a little nostalgic – I text him back the next day, “I miss you too and I don’t like being without you,” and I told him that I ended up not going to Wichita. And in true confused fashion – he texts me some bullshit – but still the same shit “the age difference…” blah, blah, blah. And instead of the relationship ending good – like it had the chance to about two weeks ago – it ends with bad words between both of us.
Fuck it… Never again!
All I wanted was to Sleep in Until 10…
Posted in Journal with tags Michael Cervantes, Ryan Martinez on May 7, 2011 by razorAll I wanted was to sleep in until 10, but between the Wellbutrin, Ryan, Aldina, Mike and my two dogs – I didn’t get to. I don’t really have time to write, although I feel like I have a lot to get out. Hopefully I will have time to purge later on in my day.
Should’ve Known Better – Sick Puppies
Posted in Music, Video with tags e1ena13, Lyrics, Michael Cervantes, should've Known Better, Sick Puppies, Video on May 6, 2011 by razorI got a new plan but it ain’t nothing but a mirror
Of everything we had just before you became a winner
The love - the lies – is nothing but a memory nowI can’t always see what’s in front of me
No I can hardly breathe, suffocating me, bleeding it out
All over the groundTell me when it’s over
Wake me when I’m sober
The scars too hard to hide
I should’ve known better
If only I could be strong enough to see that it’s over
I wish I’d never loved you
‘Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me
Where are you now?
I should’ve known better~Sick Puppies
Three Day Optimism
Posted in Journal with tags Cat, Michael Cervantes, Ryan Martinez, therapist, Wellbutrin on May 5, 2011 by razorI had anxiety all morning. I focused it on Mike. I spoke to Cat about it and told her I don’t really understand why I miss him. Nothing has really changed in my life. He was really hardly ever here, and I really only heard from him during the day. She said he was there in some fashion, and now there is a void. There is definitely a void – but it is only a mental/emotional void. It is not a physical void. God – the mind is a powerful thing!
I went to see my therapist today. I went thinking that I didn’t really want to talk. she started the session by saying, “Let’s talk about what you feel like talking about.” I didn’t think I wanted to talk – but I did. She’s nice. I don’t know if sessions with her will benefit me in any way – but I am willing to give it a try. And in any case it builds my professional network – and that is fine if that is all I have to rely upon for right now.
I did take another 100 mg of Wellbutrin at 12:00 today. It seemed to really help me this afternoon. I was even able to stay and concentrate on work an extra 45 minutes. But boy – I came home exhausted. I fell asleep for about 2 hours when I got home. My throat is hurting again – and my skin feels super sensitive – like I’m going to get shingles or something. My body is also achey too. I have this feeling the Wellbutrin causes these symptoms – but I don’t know why they show up only sporadically. Anyway – I am going to persevere on the medication for now anyway. There is no way that I want to try to switch or change it until I am not so pensive about Mike. I am going to give it some time to smooth out a bit – hopefully it will.
I kept my door closed at work again today. The peace and lack of stimulation still feels so nice. I am going to take shelter in the isolation for right now.
Ryan told me that he was going to court today. I have this feeling that something not very good happened. He was communicating with me via text throughout the morning – being very encouraging. He stopped texting after he was supposed to go to court. when I got out of work – I text him and asked him how things went. He still hasn’t replied. I think he may have been put in army jail (is there such a thing?)
Denise stopped by my office today. She is applying for a job at PCC, and she wants me to write a recommendation for her. I asked her about Dino – since she obviously is now planning to stay here in Pueblo. I guess they recently broke up. She cried about it – I hugged her. It was nice to have someone to be in a similar situation and to be able to find comfort from each other. She is supposed to come to dinner in two weeks. Shoot – I just realized that I might have scheduled that the same weekend that I am going to Wichita. I better check tomorrow.
I have changed the location of the dogs’ bowls. I moved them from the breakfast nook to the garage. I thought it might look nicer – since the breakfast nook is one of the first thing guests see. They are still going to the breakfast nook to be fed. Hopefully they will get used to being fed in the garage soon.
Well, I feel like I was going somewhat strong for three days – and now I am exhausted. I want to keep going though… I just spent the past hour on the phone with T trying to pick out graduation announcements. I really wanted to persevere and clean the living room tonight – but my throat is so sore - I sound hoarse, and my body aches. I think I am sick again. Damn!
Relationships
Posted in Journal with tags Brendon Pankey, Carlton Faille, disposable relationships, Ephraim Tooley, Gregg Gordon, Jerry Medina, John Willis, Keith Whiting, Michael Cervantes, Paul Righini, Rich Antonino, Ryan Martinez, Stone Torrez, Toby Gizzonio, Tony Cozzolino, Tony Montoya on May 2, 2011 by razor
I have been pondering the subjects of relationships for awhile - and feeling frustrated in the futility that I seem to always end at. My questions seem futile, and right now – relationships themselves feel futile as well. I am sure that my questioning is somewhat futile – but I am sure that relationships serve a purpose in everyone’s life.
I realized about 11 years ago that all relationships come to an end. Lovers split, friends move away and don’t keep in touch, or eventually – people die and the relationship as it existed at that point is no longer. I have thrown away all romantic naiveté that goes with the ideas of “best friends forever” and “soul mates”, etc. The truth is that people come and go in and out of one’s life. Some stay longer than others, but they all eventually leave.
I think the only conclusions that I have come to that seem to make the endeavor of having real relationships with other people is they are a necessity in every person’s life. I am coming to accept that for whatever reasons, relationships come and go in my life. Most relationships last about three years, some longer, some shorter. That includes my relationships with women as well as men. I really have no idea why this is – and not just the superficial why – but the deep down root of the issue why.
I realize that I can let it bother me (which at times it does), or I can try to accept it and just keep trying to do my best in relationships. However, before I try my best, I think I need to be wiser in choosing people to have a relationship with.
So on to a new cast of characters in my life – the old characters that I wish would have stayed are gone, and those that I wish would disappear are still here (namely the people at work.) Who knows who will be in the next three years of my life.
And I guess I should be thankful – I have one permanent relationship that has lasted more than three years, and I know is somewhat of an anchor in my life – my relationship with Tabrizia. I wonder what exactly makes that relationship so much different from the rest?
Hey Jealousy!
Posted in Journal, Music with tags American Idol, Andy McCarthy's Pueblo, Bohemian Rhapsody Queen, Diva, Elvis, Grease, Green Light Pueblo, Hey Jealousy Gin Blossoms, John Travolta, Journal, karoke, Kryptonite Three Doors Down, Like A Virgin Madonna, Lindsey, Louis Armstrong, Metallica, Michael Cervantes, Music, My Immortal Evanescence, Olivia Newton John, Panic Hour, Patsy Cline, Paul, Pitchers Aurora, Razor, Sinatra, Spectators Sports Bar Pueblo, Summer Nights, Tiffany, Uninvited Alanis Morisette, Washington Apple, What a Wonderful World, Writing on September 14, 2009 by razor“Do you think it will be alright, if I just crash here tonight?” That is the only line I know of the Gin Blossom’s song “Hey Jealousy.”
The people that do Karoke at bars are one of two kinds: 1) Those that went to try out at the last American Idol, and 2) those that have had at least one good shot of choice! And all the same kind of Karoke singers seem to gather at the same bars. For example, those Karoke singers that gather at Spectators Sports Bar in Pueblo Colorado are of the first genre. Visit Spectators on a Sunday night and you will see all the Puebloans that got turned down at the last American Idol try out. All very serious… The same ones are always there – the diva, the heavy rocker singing Metallica or the like, the old man singing Sinatra or Elvis, the old woman singing Patsy Cline, and the African American woman that just brings the house down!
Then there are the Karoke singers that gather at Andy McCarthy’s Sports bar on Wednesday nights – all of the second kind. All have had at least one shot – and usually started out at the Green Light’s panic hour and have had more than one good shot! The same ones are always there – the guy and girl singing Summer Nights, the group of girls singing Like a Virgin, or the group of guys singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
So Pitchers in Aurora seems to attract the first type of Karoke singers – all serious. During my night there I heard the Diva sing Kryptonite, an old man sing What a Wonderful World, a hot tattooed heavy metal girl sing My Immortal, and I heard a bring-the-house-down rendition of Uninvited! Finally, after my Washington Apple – my boyfriend’s roommates talked me into going up there to sing Hey Jealousy by the Gin Blossoms. At worst I figured I could lip the words, and let the girls belt it out – hoping that they were Karoke singers type 1 themselves. But no such luck – they had already had their prerequisite shots as well. We were the last to sing that night, and all eyes were on us – waiting for us to top every performance that had already happened that night. As I belted out the words into one of the two microphones, one measure behind, the old man that sang What a Wonderful World sat in front of the stage with a disappointed look. Our boyfriends cheered us on. And amidst the disappointed looks, and cheering from said boyfriends – I decided to belt it out even louder! “Hey Jealousy, Hey Jealousy!”
I think I will stick to Karoke nights at Andy’s! 
