Archive for Michael Cervantes

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Under Pressure

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , on November 3, 2011 by razor

November 2, 2011

I woke up early this morning, and then noticed that I was feeling incredibly grumpy.  Work has been on my mind as of late.  On the one hand, it is nice not to be thinking about other aspects of my life, but to be honest – it is putting a damper on my mood.

I started off my work day with a phone call to Helen.  Bad idea!  Note to self:  do not have an interaction with Helen first thing in the morning – especially when you are already grumpy, and you have been stewing in your mind.  At least I noticed I was in a bad mood – and I tried to be present in the moment, and I worked on my blog.  It actually helped my mood A LOT!

Al DJed last night.  Of course I went to support him.  He was doing the same set as the last time he DJed – so I really didn’t get to hear any new music.  I had homework to finish by 11:30 – so I worked at his computer, while he tried to hold my hand.  I pushed through my homework just to get it over with (I wanted to enjoy myself.)  All of the Insecurities (except for Philly) showed, and all of us just hung out up stairs.  Al was his usual humorous self – and I enjoyed it.

I left early just because I hate partying ’til the sun comes up when I have to be at work at 7.  Al walked me out to my car.  Oh my God – this time he begged me to give him “just a small kiss goodnight”.  He phoned me at 2:30 am – I think he might have been drunk – not even sure what he was going on about  – the only thing I did understand was “I miss you and I love you”.  Ok.  Time to have a talk with him.

I think to myself “What would Kevin Do?”  And – as he has told me – when a girl starts putting unwanted pressure on him, he pulls away -  ignores her calls and texts, and doesn’t get together with them.  I don’t want to do that.  At least not as first resort.  I want to try being honest with Al – and tell him that there is no possibility of a physical relationship for us, and see what happens…

Oh yeah, I have a date with a new man this weekend.  His name is DeeArcy (have no idea how to spell his name – but that will do.)  I saw him in the Fairway one night when I was out with Cat.  I didn’t stay out late that night because I was still devastated over Mike – so I came home early and let my tears flow.  I did see DeeArcy out that night with a blonde woman, and I thought he was very handsome.  I went to the Shamrock yesterday after work, and he was sitting outside with a friend.  They talked to me while I was walking in, and they were still sitting out there on my way out.  He asked for my number – and I said “sure, why not?”

He called last night before I went out for the evening.  We made plans for dinner and a movie on this Saturday coming up.  Should be good.

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It’s On

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , , , on October 18, 2011 by razor

Randy just called and said she will go out tonight!  Excellent!  This should be a good time!  I am feeling terribly exhausted right now however.  I would love to go home and take a nap – but I think I should try to clean up my house just a bit more.  Ugh… I wish I would have slept better last night.

So I am finally seeing some chinks in Kevin’s armor.  He seems to be a bit frustrated/confused about all of his ladies.  He confided in me today that he has also recently hooked up with Jenna (which I am surprised that he didn’t tell me sooner.)  He said she was boring.  The other day he said that he would also be willing to move away with Vicky or Alisha away from here – which I thought was interesting.  Today he told me that he had told Vicky that he would have a serious relationship with her – but I guess she didn’t want one ???  He is trying to push Alisha away right now, but just enough that “he could still go back if he wanted to.”  It is so interesting to see all this from the inside.  He wants Vicky to go with us to the Savoy concert – or take someone totally “different altogether”.  We’ll see.

I guess as far as Kev is concerned -  I love his friendship.  We are always helping each other out (he helped me bring stuff up to the labs today – and he is not even one of my work study students anymore).  He has also been extra sympathetic/empathetic to my situations lately – which I appreciate.

I am so glad we never hooked up all theway – because I think if we would have – we would not still be as good friends.

I was supposed to go see Al DJ tonight – but if we go out with Jason and David – I am not taking them to go see him DJ – I don’t think that would be a good idea.

And good news – so much progress – I am going hours at a time without thinking about Mike, and when I do – it doesn’t feel as painful.  I am sure that I am over a huge hump, and it will get easier and easier.  I am looking forward to when I finally go days without thinking about him.  Soon, I’m sure – soon.

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Difficult Day

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , on October 13, 2011 by razor

Today was a very difficult day.  It seems that I have a difficult day about every third day.  This feels like an incredibly long delivery process – where I know it is not over, and another contraction will come – and I don’t want it to come.  I just want it to be over with and not feel that wave of hate, anger, or sadness again.

I did end up emailing and texting Mike – just to express how I was feeling – that there is nothing left in me except all of these bad feelings, and memories of the end.  I just needed to get it out to him.  I accept that I did that.  I felt like I had to get it out in that moment.

I came home, and I felt a void.  I just felt so empty.  I had to get out and do something.  I was going to have my hair cut and colored again, but Louise’s nephew told me to go to the house on Saturday, and he will cut and color it for a lot cheaper. 

I then went and visited Louise – just to be around people and have something to do.

I’m at home now, and Susie is on her way over to help me get ready for the Drag Show tonight.  I am so hoping that will lift my spirits.  I don’t want to feel another wave, and I never want to feel or go through this ever again.  *sigh*  Is that possible?

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Free Time!

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2011 by razor

I am so psyched!  I finished my case brief much earlier than I expected.  I thought that I would be working on it right up to the last minute, but I have finished it with some 6 hours to spare.  I feel like I just won the lottery, and 5 hours was the prize.

I feel like today has been a very relaxed day.  I worked on my case brief until about lunch time.  I then went to Barnes and Noble and met Al.  The Dirty Show is now accepting submission for their art show in February – so I sent out my own call on FB to see if any of my friends wanted to collaborate on a project.  Bryton and I are going to work on something together.  Brian had also said he wanted to do some photography.  We’ll see what comes out of that.  Since I don’t really have an artistic skill – such as painting, drawing, photography – I want to try to enter a collage.  I bought a book at Barnes and Noble about collage.  I’m excited about the possibilities.

I had planned to tell Al that I don’t want to lead him on, and that I am interested in nothing more but a friendship with him – but throughout our time together – it never felt right to say anything.  On my drive home from spending time with him I thought that is one really great thing about not being in a relationship with Mike right now.  It was one of the things I really disliked in our relationship – everytime I would try to hang out with someone as just a friend – if they hit on me – he would want me to say something to them right away.  It was never enough that I would tell him that it wasn’t right to do it at any point that had come it yet.  He didn’t trust my judgement, and would not let me handle things in the way that I felt comfortable with – and he would just make the biggest deals out of nothing.  It was never something that was worth breaking up with him over (obviously – I never did) – but it is nice to be away from those outer restraints now.

I had a really good time, as usual, with Al.  We started off at Barnes and Noble, then went to the Daily Grind for lunch.  After lunch we went to Bvant Garde – a new artist’s studio here in Pueblo.  They have art shows once a month.  They have some really cool stuff in there – and I am glad I know about it now.  I can go to their art shows once a month.  Pueblo is moving up in the World (now just to make some strides in music would be really nice!)

Then we went into a little boutique.  I bought a new pair of red shoes, some jeans, a belt, a top – and an awesome hat.  Al helped me pick it out, and I think I look really cool/sexy in it. (Maybe I’ll wear it to the drag show tomorrow night.)

I went to the Robot boutique that Samantha works at afterwards – but she wasn’t there.

My sister invited me out – and I bummed that I couldn’t go because I had to finish up my case brief, and I am taking Susie out to dinner tonight to talk about her dog sitting for me at the end of the month.

Ok – now what to do with my few free hours that I have opened up – running?  collage?  reading?  Oh – the possibilities!

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Mental Health Day

Posted in Journal, Music, Video with tags , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2011 by razor

I decided to take a mental health day to work on my case brief and regroup here in my house.  So I slept in, text my friends, checked my email and facebook and have had two cigarettes so far.

Not so happy about the two cigarettes.  During this process of breaking up with Mike – I have become addicted to cigarettes.  Not good – but I guess it is what I needed at the time.  I will have to work on weaning myself off real soon.

I didn’t text Mike this morning – as a matter of fact, I deleted him and Jen from my contacts.  I know his number by heart – so I can contact him in the future should I ever need to, and I have Jen’s number in my skype (but if she were smart – she would have changed her number…)  It actually felt good to delete the numbers, and the thought of not texting him anymore feels good.  But the song “Meet Me Halfway” came on, and I thought of him.  This is really a process for sure.

I had dreams last night – dreams that I believe are helping to dissolve my pain – my pain from this relationship, and pain from other relationships in the past.  All I remember is that I was driving from Colorado to Kansas in a trailer.  At one point we had stopped, and there was my boyfriend (faceless I think) holding hands with another woman.  I walked up to the other woman and told her “He’s mine – don’t you know that?’  It reminded me of when Keith and I were breaking up, and I spied on him, and saw him holding one of his friends hands.  I made a scene.  I was so young then.  When I was back on the trailer, I realized that he had went back to Colorado with the girl.  I was begging for the driver to take me back, but they wanted to make it to the border of Kansas.  At one point in the dream, I was with these really, really young girls that were having issues with masturbation.  That wasn’t the problem – the problem was that they would do it in public (like Tracy in 5th grade).  One of them started masturbating.  She grabbed a bristle brush and stuck it inside of her – bristle end first.  I was so concerned for her.  I went and told on her.  But the guy I told was worried about the brush and not the girl.  I said something to him like “she is going to tear herself up on the inside.”

I really do want to dissolve all of this pain.  It’s there – no doubt about it.  I can enjoy the present at times despite it, and but I know dissolving it will be a good thing.  I am glad that I have this opportunity to try and deal with those past pain build ups as well.

I can’t go any further than this
I want you so badly, it’s my biggest wish

I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day yes, i’m really missin’ missin’ you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey boy, wuz up, it use to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you

Meet me halfway, right at the boarderline
That’s where i’m gonna wait, for you
I’ll be lookin out, night n’day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i’ll stay
I can’t go any further then this
I want you so bad it’s my only wish

Boy, I travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe I go to other galaxies
Just tell me where you want, just tell me where you wanna to meet
I navigate myself myself to take me where you be
Cause boy I want, i, i, I want you right now
I travel uptown (town) I travel downtown
I wanna to have you around (round) like every single day
I love you alway..ways

Let’s walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and I (just you and I)
I will fly, i’ll fly the skies, for you and I (for you and I)
I will try, until I die, for you and i, for you and i, for for you and i,
For for you and i, for for you and i, for you and i

~Black Eyed Peas

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The Relationship Has Changed Me

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , on October 11, 2011 by razor

My relationship with Mike has changed me.  And maybe ultimately that is the purpose of all relationships.

Tonight I went to the shamrock after work because I hadn’t eaten all day, and I was just so hungry.  I didn’t know that there was a US soccer game tonight, but some of the soccer hooligans showed up to watch the US vs. Ecuador friendly.  I joined them.  I was talking to Sam for a long time, when this stranger came and sat right in between us.  His name is William Frazer Rice.  When I first started talking to him – I thought maybe he had asbergers.  He is incredibly intelligent, but just seemed so socially awkward.  He has the most beautiful intense eyes, and his personality is just intense period.

He walked me to my car, and we ended up trying to go to the Hookah bar, but it was closed.  We ended up playing a game of chess at The Daily Grind.  I started to feel more comfortable with him as the night progressed.  We went to the University and cleaned out my car (I am glad to get it cleaned out.)

We ended up going back to his apartment.  I know he wanted sex.  When we started kissing I told him we should go get his truck.  I didn’t want to have a one night stand.  I was clear in saying that to him.  When I tried to explain the place where my heart is right now, and the ending of the relationship with Mike – I just started crying.  I didn’t mean to – but the tears just came out.  He was very understanding.  It kind of reminded me of when I would try to hook up with Billy after Jerry and I broke up, and I just couldn’t do it.  Except this was different – I was definitely physically attracted to Frazer, but I KNOW that my heart cannot take a one night stand right now.  Billy wouldn’t have been a one night stand.

I am growing as a person.  I am glad that I chose not to do anything with Frazer.

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So Over You

Posted in Journal, Music, Video with tags , , , , , , on August 29, 2011 by razor

This has to be a record time that I got over somebody.  I lost all respect for Mike, and my view of him has been changed tremendously.  Yesterday I was pining away for him, and perhaps it was because I spent a whole weekend, sick, cooped up and working on papers for graduate school.  Feeling like I missed him incredibly last night, I contacted him.  He did not feel like talking.  He injured his ankle at a soccer game.  He put his phone on silent – but I blew it up all night with text messages and phone calls begging him to have one last conversation with me. 

I woke up early and went straight to work (with the intention of being done with everything that needed to be done, and then get out of there by 7 am and take a sick day. Didn’t happen. ) Mike called on his way to work I suppose.  I could barely talk because my throat is still a mess – I don’t even really remember what we talked about.  At some point he started reading the texts that I sent to him last night.  When he saw the message that I had my first lesbian experience – he was all over that.  Once again, the subject of a threesome came up (see earlier post where he just gets so obssesive about the subject.)  Soon – he just went into this rant about how I never gave him anything that he wanted – that was the one thing that he wanted, etc.  I guess if his rant had just stayed at that – it would have been ok – or at least tolerable.  I have heard him say all of those things before.  But then he started begging, conjoling, and manipulating me to try to allow him to join me and Randy in a threesome.  This is when I noticed his absolute disregard for others when it comes to sex – and his weird mind set about it.  The other night when I asked him why he had lied about coming to Pueblo the day before my birthday, he answered, “Becasue I didn’t want you to be with anybody,”  regardless of the fact that he already has a new girlfriend.  He is the absolute eptiome of the saying my mom alsways told me, “Men are like dogs with bones – they don’t want them, but they don’t want anyone else to have them either.”  He offered to break up with his new girlfriend, and then ask her back out after the threesome – or just let her go completely “there are plenty of other women out there”.  And then he said something that I couldn’t believe – “It would be a good way to bring closure to our relationship.”  Anyway – I realize that he has no intention of leaving this new girl, and ending up with me (duh – big red truck) – but even more – I realized that he is shady to his very core.  He finally admitted to me that he broke up with me the first time in the hopes of being able to go out with Maddie.  He hasn’t admitted that he broke up with me this last time becasue he was interested in this new girl – but I know it’s true.  But he is being a shady dog with her as well.  What the hell?  He said that they weren’t in a “committed relationship” (thinking back to the time that he told Maddie that Kitsune was in the back yard because school was on vacation and I had a back yard) – but it makes him nervous to not be in a committed relationship with her.  He doesn’t want her “to sleep with anybody else.”  And yet he is on the phone begging me to let him join a threesome.

Anyway – I changed my number.  It felt so good, and I feel so free!  I can’t believe how doing that one thing has made me feel light and empowered.  I have no desire to talk to him ever again.  I saw a side of him that just disgusts me.

What goes around comes back around…
There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must’ve been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I, I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
I thank God I dodged the bullet
I’m so over you
So baby good lookin’ out

I wanted you bad
I’m so through with that
Cause honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had ~Beyonce

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Not Over You by Gavin DeGraw (Official Music Video)

Posted in Music, Video with tags , , , , , , on August 28, 2011 by razor
Dreams, that’s where I have to go
To see your beautiful – face anymore
I stare at a picture of you, and listen to the radio
Hope, hope there’s a conversation
Where we both admit we had it good
But until then it’s alienation, I know
That much is understood – and I realizeIf you ask me how I’m doing
I would say I’m doing just fine
I would lie and say that you’re not on my mind
But I go out and I sit down at a table set for two
And finally I’m forced to face the truth,
No matter what I say I’m – not over you (not over you)Damn, damn boy you do it well
And I thought you were innocent
Took this heart and put it through hell
But still you’re magnificent
I’m a boomerang, doesn’t matter how you throw me
I turn around and I’m back in the game
Even better than the old me
But I’m not even close without youAnd if I had the chance to renew
You know there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do
I could get back on the right track
But only if you’d be convinced
So until then…

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The Sound of Missing You by Wildboyz ft. Ameerah (Official Video)

Posted in Music, Video with tags , , , , , , , , on August 28, 2011 by razor


I miss hearing your voice,
All the words that you said to me
But now this empty space fills me up and takes over me
And I cant escape it

It always keeps coming back
The sound of missing you
I hear it all around
The sound of missing you
The silence is so loud
The sound of missing you

I cant break through these walls that are rising in front of me
And the deeper I fall, I realise I never gonna be free
Baby release me

It always keeps coming back
The sound of missing you
I hear it all around
The sound of missing you
The silence is so loud
The sound of missing you

Time goes by and it feels like Im just going out of my mind
What we had, bring it back now
Cause Im feeling empty inside
Oh, times goes by and it feels like Im just going out of my mind
What we had, bring it back now
Cause Im feeling empty inside

It always keeps coming back
The sound of missing you
I hear it all around
The sound of missing you
The silence is so loud

(Yeah) I miss hearing your voice,
All the words that you said to me (oh I need you)
But now this empty space fills me up and takes over me (heeeey)
(Baby release me)
I cant break through these walls, they are rising in front of me (it alway keeps coming back)
(The sound of missing you)
And the deeper I fall, I realise I never gonna be free (I hear it all around)
(The sound of missing you)
I cant break through these walls, they are rising in front of me (the silence is so loud)
The sound of missing you

The sound of missing you

The sound of missïng you

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All the Lovers by Kylie Minogue (Official Music Video)

Posted in Journal, Music, Video with tags , , , , , , , on August 28, 2011 by razor

After one has had so many lovers, and you find one that is so compatible, and lose them – there is the fear that noone else will ever be as good. But in all probability, with 7 billion people in the World – there is still hope to perhaps find someone even more compatible.

It hurts
When you get too close
But baby it hurts
If love is really good
You just want more
Even if it throws you to the fire fire fire fire

All the lovers
That have gone before
They don’t compare to you
Don’t be running
Just give me a little bit more
They don’t compare
All the lovers ~Kylie Minogue

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