After one has had so many lovers, and you find one that is so compatible, and lose them – there is the fear that noone else will ever be as good. But in all probability, with 7 billion people in the World – there is still hope to perhaps find someone even more compatible.
It hurts
When you get too close
But baby it hurts
If love is really good
You just want more
Even if it throws you to the fire fire fire fire
All the lovers
That have gone before
They don’t compare to you
Don’t be running
Just give me a little bit more
They don’t compare
All the lovers ~Kylie Minogue
This is the part I hate. I was at work at 6 am this morning. I am exhausted. When I am tired this way – my guard is down.
I accidently called Mike this morning. I was in a hurry trying to get Helen’s lab ready by 8 am. I was walking back from the stockroom holding my phone. When I walked into my office and put my phone down – I could here his voicemail intro, “This is Mike…” At first I thought I was hearing things. When I realized that I had accidently hit “2″ and “send” somewhere along the way from the cell lab to my office . I thought, “Fuck – now he is going to think that I am trying to contact him.” I quickly texted him, “Sorry. I still have you in my speed dial and I accidently butt dialed your number. I’ll remove it from my contacts so it doesn’t happen again.” And then I proceeded to remove his number off my cell phone.
I have to admit that it made me anxious when he didn’t repsond. I thought “Great – I had the last word – and it was that I butt dialed him. He doesn’t believe me, and he has satisfaction now.” God – why do relationships have to be all about who wins? About 20 minutes he did respond – but it was just another apology for all the mean shit he said to me on the last Thursday night that we talked. “I didn’t mean anything to hurt you?” Really? Because I couldn’t tell from the things he said that night! – Well, maybe. I know he was drunk – not really an excuse, and he must have been feeling just as hurt as me. So he was trying to hurt me – he felt hurt, and wanted to hurt me back.
I never wanted to hear about the new girl he is seeing. I told him before that I didn’t want to know anything – and he is the one who started that night, “her stomach is flat – no kids…” That was the one thing I never wanted. He could have compared us to eachother all he wanted inside his fucking head – but I never wanted any information that would make me compare myself to her. I did the one really low thing that I had been tempted to do earlier in the week – but didn’t do because I thought it was just the lowest thing. I sent him Benden’s picture.
Anyway, I am sitting here tonight – trying to get my paper done. But I am feeling so tired, and my mind is wandering. It goes to futile places, “He must have been with her this morning and that is why he didn’t answer the phone… He was with her that Monday morning that I was calling him and he didn’t answer…”
But you know what – he finally did the magical thing that was going to end our viscious circle. He said “she’s aweome” – compared me to her, and I didn’t measure up. When I start thinking that I am missing him – I just think of all the texts he sent me last Thursday, and how shady he was throughout the whole relationship, and it makes me feel sick – and I don’t miss him. For right now – I have to keep those sick feelings at the forefront to keep from wanting to think about him. Thank god work is so busy right now.
I used to think this was perfect,
and wish that it was never ending
But those days are gone forever.
It’s something I’m not missing
There’s a force – there’s a voice in my head
Telling me to think about the times that you were cruel and mean
I don’t care if you walk away
I’m here to stay and you need to hear: You make me sick… ~Egypt Central
I really don’t like the sound of that phrase “being single”, but any other word sounds just as awkward to me – “on to singlehood”, “on to singleness”. Maybe it is because I haven’t been for so long.
I am actually looking forward to it. Last night when I went to bed, I got anxious at the thought of “being alone”. But I just went and laid down in the other room, took a few deep breaths, focused on other things, and eventually fell asleep.
Brighton came over tonight to work on speeding up my computer. It was great to see him. We spent a little time catching up on the past three years. He actually reminded me of Mike at one point. He mentioned the camping trip we all went on (when I got stickers in my foot), and of course – EDC. He thought that the last time he saw Mike was on the camping trip, but I know that couldn’t be because Mike and I were not going out yet when we had went on that camping trip, and we were dating when we went to EDC. So probably the last time Brighton saw Mike was at EDC. It’s hard to believe that much time has passed since I’ve seen Brighton, and since Mike and I first started dating.
While Brighton was working on my computer, I got a lot of stuff done. I tidied up the front yard, washed the front windows, and hung up the plaque that the Fenstermachers gave me for my wedding – “The Righinis - Est. 1997″. I enjoy doing these little things around the house, and while I was doing them – I thought it will be very nice to be single for a while and take the time to complete all the house maintenance stuff.
One other reason I should be thankful for fewer distractions – today there was an announcement sent out via email that CSU-Pueblo just received money for scholarships for those students that want to complete a math degree. I went and talked to Janet Barnett immediately. It sounds very hopeful that I can actually apply for one of the scholarships and get the math degree I have always wanted.
So “singleness” – I embrace you!
No one to answer to
No one that’s gonna argue, no
And since I got that hold off me
I’m livin’ life now that I’m free, yeah
Told me get my shit together
Now I got my shit together, yeah
Now I made it through the weather
Better days are gonna get better
I’m so sorry that it didn’t work out – I’m movin’ on
I’m so sorry but it’s over now
The pain is gone ~Jason Derulo
It has been a very long week for sure. It’s Sunday morning, and I am just thankful for a good night’s sleep, and some peace this morning.
I spoke with Aldina first thing this morning. I always ask for Paul now. It comforts me that he is with the kids, and that they all seem like they are doing exceptionally well. I like talking to him. I know him, he is so familiar to me, and comforting because of that. No surprises, just his good, eccentric, simple ways.
He told Aldina to tell me to watch Lady Gaga’s video – You and I – “the UK version.” I told her that I thought I already watched it. T had posted it on her FaceBook page last week. She loves the video. I have to admit – both T and Paul have excellent taste in music – and Tabrizia loves her theatrics. Aldina said that he loved the part where she screamed out that she writes her own music. I knew that wasn’t in the official video, so I figured there must have been something else that he had seen. I youtubed it, and watched her performance in London. He was right, her performance in London about a year ago is amazing. I called back to let him know that he should also watch the official video that was just released.
While I was looking for the official video to watch again, I discovered some infomration. The song was inspired by a New York bartendar that Stefanie Germonatta was in an on again/off again relationship with. The video she says is about a journey to winning an estranged love back.
Sometimes in love, you can’t make it work,” she continued about that particular scene. “No matter what you do, there’s this giant boundary between you and someone else. So that’s what it’s about, perceiving in your imagination that there’s something magical inside of you that you can make it work.”
It’s a real-life former love that has left an indelible mark on Gaga’s creative spirit, and she says that this video perfectly captures that. “For me, it was all about capturing the true spirit of the song, which is when you’re in love, you’ll be willing to walk and do the craziest and most inconvenient things you can possibly imagine,” she added. “The video is quite complex in the way that the story is told, and it’s meant to be slightly linear and slightly twisted and confusing, which is the way that love is. (http://www.mtv.com/news/articles/1669370/lady-gaga-mermaid-sex-you-and-i.jhtml)
In one scene, she is playing the piano, while another version of her self is dressed in drag and sitting on top of the piano. The version of her dressed in drag reminds me of this women I met on the night of my past birthday. She said her name was “Randy” – I don’t know if that is true, but she was sexy as hell, and made a huge impression on me. This post is dedicated to her.
suddenly the sky is falling
could it be it’s too late for me
well if i never said im sorry, then im wrong, im wrong
then i hear my spirit calling
wonder if he’s longing for me
and then i know that i cant live without him
won’t you save me, ’cause saving is what i need
i just want to be by your side
won’t you save me, i dont wanna be
just driftin through the sea of life ~Hanson
I got a new plan but it ain’t nothing but a mirror
Of everything we had just before you became a winner
The love - the lies – is nothing but a memory now
I can’t always see what’s in front of me
No I can hardly breathe, suffocating me, bleeding it out
All over the ground
Tell me when it’s over
Wake me when I’m sober
The scars too hard to hide
I should’ve known better
If only I could be strong enough to see that it’s over
I wish I’d never loved you
‘Cause you were supposed to be coming back to me
Where are you now?
I should’ve known better
