Razor

I decided to take a mental health day to work on my case brief and regroup here in my house.  So I slept in, text my friends, checked my email and facebook and have had two cigarettes so far.

Not so happy about the two cigarettes.  During this process of breaking up with Mike – I have become addicted to cigarettes.  Not good – but I guess it is what I needed at the time.  I will have to work on weaning myself off real soon.

I didn’t text Mike this morning – as a matter of fact, I deleted him and Jen from my contacts.  I know his number by heart – so I can contact him in the future should I ever need to, and I have Jen’s number in my skype (but if she were smart – she would have changed her number…)  It actually felt good to delete the numbers, and the thought of not texting him anymore feels good.  But the song “Meet Me Halfway” came on, and I thought of him.  This is really a process for sure.

I had dreams last night – dreams that I believe are helping to dissolve my pain – my pain from this relationship, and pain from other relationships in the past.  All I remember is that I was driving from Colorado to Kansas in a trailer.  At one point we had stopped, and there was my boyfriend (faceless I think) holding hands with another woman.  I walked up to the other woman and told her “He’s mine – don’t you know that?’  It reminded me of when Keith and I were breaking up, and I spied on him, and saw him holding one of his friends hands.  I made a scene.  I was so young then.  When I was back on the trailer, I realized that he had went back to Colorado with the girl.  I was begging for the driver to take me back, but they wanted to make it to the border of Kansas.  At one point in the dream, I was with these really, really young girls that were having issues with masturbation.  That wasn’t the problem – the problem was that they would do it in public (like Tracy in 5th grade).  One of them started masturbating.  She grabbed a bristle brush and stuck it inside of her – bristle end first.  I was so concerned for her.  I went and told on her.  But the guy I told was worried about the brush and not the girl.  I said something to him like “she is going to tear herself up on the inside.”

I really do want to dissolve all of this pain.  It’s there – no doubt about it.  I can enjoy the present at times despite it, and but I know dissolving it will be a good thing.  I am glad that I have this opportunity to try and deal with those past pain build ups as well.

I can’t go any further than this
I want you so badly, it’s my biggest wish

I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you
Every single day yes, i’m really missin’ missin’ you
And all those things we use to use to use to do
Hey boy, wuz up, it use to be just me and you
I spent my time just thinkin thinkin thinkin bout you

Meet me halfway, right at the boarderline
That’s where i’m gonna wait, for you
I’ll be lookin out, night n’day
Took my heart to the limit, and this is where i’ll stay
I can’t go any further then this
I want you so bad it’s my only wish

Boy, I travel round the world and even sail the seven seas
Across the universe I go to other galaxies
Just tell me where you want, just tell me where you wanna to meet
I navigate myself myself to take me where you be
Cause boy I want, i, i, I want you right now
I travel uptown (town) I travel downtown
I wanna to have you around (round) like every single day
I love you alway..ways

Let’s walk the bridge, to the other side
Just you and I (just you and I)
I will fly, i’ll fly the skies, for you and I (for you and I)
I will try, until I die, for you and i, for you and i, for for you and i,
For for you and i, for for you and i, for you and i

~Black Eyed Peas