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I Always Feel that Someone is Watching Me

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 8, 2011 by razor
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On to the third photographer…  I’m working on putting together a submission for the 13th annual dirty show in Detroit.  The first photographer that said he would collaborate seemed to be super enthusiastic about it – sending me dozens of texts of ideas and saying how excited he was about the project until I said no thank you to including his “well endowed” penis in the photographs.  A second photographer friended me on my facebook – because I “have an Italian last name”, and I asked him if he wanted to collaborate on the project.  We met, I showed him some things that I had in mind, and he seemed to be all a go.  The next day I noticed that he spent A LOT of time on my blog – looking through past posts.  By the end of the day he had blocked me on facebook.  I thought, “well maybe he found my writing/art distasteful” – but I noticed since then he goes through my posts every day.  Hmmmm…. If he found it distasteful enough to block me on facebook - then why is he still visiting my blog every day?  Strange.  Oh well.

So two down… on to the third.  His name is Bryton – and he has been a friend for three years now.  He is an amateur photographer – just recently got his camera – but maybe that will leave him open to experimenting.  He is taking graphic design at PCC.  Now just to find the time in both of our schedules to work this in.

We went to the first Friday Art Walk last Friday.  The first friday of every month eighteen different galleries open for extended hours.  B.Vante Garde even had a great live DJ at their studio.  It was great.  I am so glad that Pueblo is doing something like this now, and I plan to attend every first Friday.

We grabbed a bite to eat at the Daily Grind after, and then went to Arabian Nights for hookah.  It was a great Friday night.

Saturday I went to the CSU-Pueblo game with D’Arcy.  It started sleeting by half-time, and the ball never left our side of the field.  So we decided to leave, and we just went to the Shamrock to hang for a few.  We ended up spending the whole day together.  I met his brother and his brother’s girl – but there was more drama at this brother’s house than I would really like to be involved with.

Sunday was the best night of the weekend though.  Adam invited to the shamrock to watch the RSL vs. LA Galaxy game.  What an awesome friend Adam is – he very nicely set me up with Trevor aka Ashton Kutcher.  Nice!  We stayed up until 3 am talking.  He is incredibly intelligent and mature.  Loved it… What a great way to start off my monday morning and the week!

Will has invited me to a concert up in Denver this coming Friday – but I’m not sure that I really want to go.  Savoy is playing in Denver on Friday – and I would rather go see that.  Still waiting to see if Kev will have money so he can go.

Oh yeah – I almost forgot – Giannetto stopped by to pick up his vet money.  We have been interacting more and more.  It gives me hope that post-breakup friendships can be good.

I took today off from work, and I LOVE IT when I can just start my day off relaxed.  I have a lot to do today – but I’m not feeling rushed.

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Under Pressure

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , on November 3, 2011 by razor

November 2, 2011

I woke up early this morning, and then noticed that I was feeling incredibly grumpy.  Work has been on my mind as of late.  On the one hand, it is nice not to be thinking about other aspects of my life, but to be honest – it is putting a damper on my mood.

I started off my work day with a phone call to Helen.  Bad idea!  Note to self:  do not have an interaction with Helen first thing in the morning – especially when you are already grumpy, and you have been stewing in your mind.  At least I noticed I was in a bad mood – and I tried to be present in the moment, and I worked on my blog.  It actually helped my mood A LOT!

Al DJed last night.  Of course I went to support him.  He was doing the same set as the last time he DJed – so I really didn’t get to hear any new music.  I had homework to finish by 11:30 – so I worked at his computer, while he tried to hold my hand.  I pushed through my homework just to get it over with (I wanted to enjoy myself.)  All of the Insecurities (except for Philly) showed, and all of us just hung out up stairs.  Al was his usual humorous self – and I enjoyed it.

I left early just because I hate partying ’til the sun comes up when I have to be at work at 7.  Al walked me out to my car.  Oh my God – this time he begged me to give him “just a small kiss goodnight”.  He phoned me at 2:30 am – I think he might have been drunk – not even sure what he was going on about  – the only thing I did understand was “I miss you and I love you”.  Ok.  Time to have a talk with him.

I think to myself “What would Kevin Do?”  And – as he has told me – when a girl starts putting unwanted pressure on him, he pulls away -  ignores her calls and texts, and doesn’t get together with them.  I don’t want to do that.  At least not as first resort.  I want to try being honest with Al – and tell him that there is no possibility of a physical relationship for us, and see what happens…

Oh yeah, I have a date with a new man this weekend.  His name is DeeArcy (have no idea how to spell his name – but that will do.)  I saw him in the Fairway one night when I was out with Cat.  I didn’t stay out late that night because I was still devastated over Mike – so I came home early and let my tears flow.  I did see DeeArcy out that night with a blonde woman, and I thought he was very handsome.  I went to the Shamrock yesterday after work, and he was sitting outside with a friend.  They talked to me while I was walking in, and they were still sitting out there on my way out.  He asked for my number – and I said “sure, why not?”

He called last night before I went out for the evening.  We made plans for dinner and a movie on this Saturday coming up.  Should be good.

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Radical Honesty

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , , , , , on November 1, 2011 by razor

I have known Kevin for about three years now.  We kissed and became friends.  I have watched him go through one serious relationship with Sarah.  He lived with her – and I believe his heart was crushed by her – although he won’t admit it.  Since then, he had made a vow to not get into another relationship for at least a year.  That year has passed, and he still doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship with anyone.  Or does he?  I think he may have asked Vicky out and she said “no.”  So he just “sees” girls.  He sleeps with them, treats all of them well, but doesn’t make any promises or commitments.  It seems to work for all of them – the only one that puts pressure on him to commit is Alisha.  But she doesn’t leave him.

So after watching him for this time – I am wondering if a woman just “seeing” guys with no commitments would work out.  I see the wisdom in taking a break from a commitment – believe me, after my last relationship – I needed and wanted a break.  I actually feel “recovered” from that relationship – at least to the point that I can make-out with someone and actually enjoy it, and not start crying.

So I have been “dating” various men.  Every relationship is different, and each seems to serve a different aspect of my life.  I am really enjoying this!

Frazer stopped by yesterday after work so I could taste the Chili he entered into the Chili cook off.  I met him a couple of weeks ago at the Shamrock.  He is actually the person that I ended up crying with when I tried to hook up with him.  He seems to have some kind of “condition” – like asbergerers or something.  He is radically honest – and not because he went to a seminar – but because it comes naturally to him.  It seems very awkward at first – but I have come to appreciate it incredibly!  I never have to guess what his motives are – he states them.  He even in a very unemotional way tells me what a great job I am doing when we are being physical.  Very cute – and it is not a scary thing because there is no doubt in my mind that he will always be honest.

After spending some time with Frazer, I went with Al to eat dinner at the Shamrock, and then to Arabian Nights for Hookah.  I am appreciating Al more and more as well!  He has the best sense of humor!  We were having a great time texting Adam while we were at the Sham.  It was movie night at Arabian Nights, and a Vin Diesel movie was on.  Al kept saying the funniest things.  Then he told me how much he likes my hair “because I have highlighted the important strands.”

Of course, Shadi was at the hookah bar (he owns it.)  I hooked up with him a couple of weeks ago as well.  He looked excited to see me – but as usual I felt like he was trying to make me jealous.  He put his arm around this girl – but I saw her remove it.  He looked like a sad puppy when he saw Al put his arm around me – and I didn’t remove it.

I don’t find Al physically attractive – but he has this way of touching me that just melts me.  He was brushing my hair with his hands last night while we were watching the movie – and it felt so good.  And it actually felt very good to cuddle up against him.  Not sure what to do about that.  I really don’t want to go much further with him.  But I have to make sure that I am being honest and not lead him on.  This is very new territory for me, but I am enjoying navigating my way through all of these situations.

As usual, when I dropped him off at his truck – I was ducking to avoid his kiss, and offering my cheek.

He made sure I got home safely, and then text “You looked beautiful tonight.” (I did!  I was wearing my new forest green boots with a sweater dress.  So sexy!)  but it is so nice that he tells me that.  I text back and said, “Thank you.  That is why you call me yoffie.”

His texts have been already putting a smile on my face this morning.  Adam thinks that I was hitting on him last night.  Al asked “What kind of toaster should I buy for your wedding…”

Last night after Frazer left my house, I fell on my last stair, and landed on my ankle.  It is swollen this morning.  Ugh.  So much for running in the next coming week.  I have to figure something out – maybe bike this week or something.  I don’t know.  Giannetto told me to put ice on it.  Both of us want it to heal fast because we are going skiing at Monarch after Thanksgiving.  I am imagining that it should be healed by then though.  I hope!

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Taking Advantage of EVERY Opportunity

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , on October 31, 2011 by razor

I had a great time in Kansas City this weekend!

I didn’t expect Paul and the kids to be at the airport when I arrived – just because of past experience with others – and my plane landed early.  But there they were.  KCI is built a lot like MidContinental Airport, and there are windows where people can watch the passengers getting off the planes.  I saw their smiling faces – with all their crooked teeth – waving at me.  It felt so good!

We stayed at the same hotel that we did last year.  What a tradition!  Aldina saved our room keys from both years.  She journals, and says that she will put them in her journal.

They gave us a handicap room this time – so the kids had fun messing with all the gadgets that were meant for disabled people.

Friday night was a chill night, and we just relaxed, watched TV and ate.

I really dislike Paul’s taste in food.  Not that he has bad taste in food (I know he knows the difference between great tasting food and not great tasting food.)  But he chooses to by cheap food.  He bought pasta, sauce, and meat – and really gross cookies.  If I had done our grocery shopping – I would have went to the small market, and bought some good cheese, wine, olives, and deli meat.  But it’s all good.  I do think that I have gained a couple of pounds over the weekend though.  I have not been abstaining from anything lately.  I honestly feel like I just want to do anything that makes me happy – including eating!  That is ok – the last three weeks of the contest I will cleanse.

We all ate breakfast together, and then I went to the gum and ran on the treadmill while Paul and the kids went to the pool.  Then we left for the zoo.

The Kansas City zoo is not as good as other zoos that I have been to (especially the Singapore zoo) – but we had a great time.  My favorite exhibit were the otters, but I really flet bad for the Polar Bear and the gorillas.  We all went on the tram, the gondola, and the train.

Oh my God – and then Plato’s closet.  We decided to try to go there after the zoo.  It was a long drive, and then when we arrived – it was just closing.

Sometimes when I am away from Paul – I think that I may have made a mistake by divorcing him, but as soon as I spend any amount of time with him – I remember why I divorced him, and I become even more confident in my decision.  He just has the negative spirit around him that I don’t like at all.

We all went to the pool on Saturday night – I people watched – all the frumpy moms with their kids.  I was in my black high heels lounging by the pool.  There were two women in the pool with a small girl.  I thought they might be lesbians with their child – but Paul didn’t think so.  But it is the story that I am going to believe.  It makes me feel better about Kansas (but Paul is right – the area is not that liberal.)

There was a hot tub there.  I didn’t bring my swimsuit.  I wished I could have gone in naked – that feels so wonderful at The Well.  After I while – I thought – fuck it – I am going in my underwear and a T-shirt.  And I did.  I wasn’t going to let the lack of a swimming suit and social conventions stop me from using the hot tub.  My kids were so funny about it – they are so sheltered.

The next day we drove to Plato’s again.  I bought two new pairs of boots, and 7 pairs of shoes!  Awesome!  We ended up driving all day until it was time for me to catch the plane.  As usual – I can tell how much Paul loves me when I’m leaving.  He looks like he is about to cry.  I love him too – always will.  I could never have a physically intimate relationship with him, but I have to admit – he is one person that I trust with almost anything.

 

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Excited About KC

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 27, 2011 by razor

This week has been really good.  Yesterday I felt a little pre-menstrual, and tired.  But I went home for an early nap, and I cocooned.  It felt incredibly peaceful.

Night before last I invited Chris over to watch a movie.  He fixed my DVD player, and we went and grabbed four movies.  We started watching Scream 4 – but it was so stupid.  We didn’t finish it.  I watched All Good Things, and he fell asleep.  He slept over, and it was nice to have a warm body in the bed besides Titus.

Yesterday was our first snow.  It looked so beautiful out.

I made the reservations for my Kansas City trip for this weekend coming up.  I will get to see the babes and Paul.  I am very excited for it and think it will be a good trip for all of us.  Paul is going to check in to the hotel early – and then pick me up at the airport.  I think he wants to take the kids to the Science museum – which should be fun.  The year before we went to Worlds of Fun – but it was way too expensive, and not worth what we paid for the evening.

This time I reserved a suite with two bedrooms instead of one – so there will be plenty of room this year.

Jealousy Hurts by Razor

Jealousy Hurts by Razor; 9" x 12" Newspaper Collage with Watercolor on Watercolor Paper

Last night I watched Mothman (not that great), and worked on my second newspaper collage while I watched it.  The collage came out better that my first one – but still not that great.  But at least I am improving.  I then went for my run.  It was hard to get motivated to go, but I always feel so good once I start, and afterwards.

I then watched Four Brothers again.  I love that movie!  I also read more of my collage book while it was on.  I think I am going to try to do a self-portrait collage by December 15th.  We’ll see how this goes.

Today will be a day of preparation.  I will be packing to go see my little darlings! I just want to hold them. (Stephenie just called – she is so cute!)

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Very Busy, but Very Good

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 24, 2011 by razor

I haven’t posted since last Wednesday.  I have been very busy – but it has been a good thing.

I spent the night with Jason last Wednesday.  It was interesting.  It makes me ponder about what makes men cheat, and what it is that I like about being with a married man.  I have come to the following conclusions: 1)  I believe the married men that I have been with are starving for sex and attention, and 2)  I like to be with a sex-starved and attention-starved man. (And of course – both married men were ABSOLUTELY gorgeous – that helps of course.)

We haven’t talked since that night.  He must be back in Texas by now.  I am perfectly ok with the fact that we haven’t talked again.  Living in the Now brings a lot of peace about almost everything!

Thursday night I was so exhausted that I was in bed and a sleep by 8:30 pm.  Friday night was pretty much the same too.  I ran (which is getting so much easier for me), and went shopping.  I had to buy pet food, but I also bought another Eckhart Tolle book and an area rug for the living room.

Saturday morning was strange however.  I had been doing so well all last week, and barely thought about Mike – but on Saturday morning I was over taken by thoughts and feelings about him again.  Maybe it will just be a weekend difficulty for only a short time longer.  However, I am able to accept that I think about him, and that I have feelings of anger, hate and missing towards him.  I can even admit it to him – not even knowing if he gets my messages or not.  I really don’t care if he gets the messages or not, or if he reads them or not – it just feels so good to get it out rather than hold it in.  And acknowledge the way I am feeling, and to do something about it in the Now – and then just keep going.  I have learned a lot of skills through this break up.  It is a good thing.

I went over Randy’s house in Beulah on Saturday night.  Oh my God – her house is so CUTE, and she definitely has a little piece of heaven.  It is EXACTLY the type of place I imagine having if I had a lover.  I’m sure that Paul and I must have passed it when we were looking for houses, and commented on it.  It is perfect, and in a perfect location.

I finally got to meet her Husky – Casie.  What a beautiful dog!  We clicked with each other right away – and I can’t wait for her to meet the boys.  I hope she gets along with them.

Randy made dinner for us – some turkey chili and cornbread.  It was so delicious.  And she made a quiche for us on Sunday morning.  I thought for sure I had gained tons of weight over the weekend – but at weigh-in this morning, I had only gained a pound since last week.  (There are 5 weeks left in the competition – I need to run a little bit more – and then I am going to detox for the last two or three weeks.  I really hope I win!)

After dinner we went to the local music place – I believe it is called the songbird.  It is a restaurant with a bar and dance hall in the back.  ChrisAnne, Polly, her husband and Brett were playing.  Although I didn’t like the music so much (too sad!) I did get an opportunity to meet more of Randy’s friends.  Wow!  I never realized that Beulah is such an incredibly liberal place.  It is great!

One of the women I met is the girlfriend of the owner of the pot plantation.  It was SO INTERSTING talking with her.  Her boyfriend is into Landmark Education (so is Gregg) and into this thing called “Radical Honesty“.  He called her up a couple of weeks ago from a seminar and told her that there was this other woman there that he wanted to hook up with.  She didn’t want him to – but I guess he ended up “cuddling” with her three nights in a row.  She is trying to overcome her jealousy about it.  In the meantime, she went to New Mexico and hooked up with one of her ex-boyfriends.  He was ok with that, and told her ex-boyfriend that it was ok.  Very interesting relationship, and very interesting people.  I want to talk to her more about it and some point.

We went to an after-party at Polly’s house after the show was over.  Polly has a beautiful family.  Her daughter, Hannah, is absolutely beautiful, and has an incredible voice.  Her two sons are incredibly handsome and seem to be very put together as well.

Sunday morning, we went to the local coffee shop.  There was this very cool framed billboard with a bunch of really old concert ticket stubs – Grateful Dead, Blue Oyster Cult, Van Halen - Beulah is full of a bunch of hippies!

I came home, finished up my homework, and finally had Al over.  He cooked Moroccon Chicken (very delicious!) and then we watched a Hungarian movie – Kontrol.  It was an incredible movie – Al has really good taste.

That is it since my last post (whew – that’s a lot), and today I have just worked.  Good day, good times!

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Feeling Peace

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , , , , on October 19, 2011 by razor

I am in a good place right now – I can feel it in my soul.  Last night at 5:30, Jason still hadn’t contacted me to confirm plans.  So I text Randy and told her not to drive all the way here because they hadn’t confirmed.  About 5 minutes later, Jason called me and told me that he is married.  I actually had a feeling that he was – and I had just decided that I wasn’t going to ask, and I was just going to enjoy the week with him.

He did ask me to go out with him to Chili’s.  But I told him I was going to the Senate to see my friend’s DJ set.  He asked for the address – but then he never showed.

After he told me that he was married – to be honest – I felt ok with it.  He sounded so disappointed, and like he really took the whole situation to heart.  He said that he had thought about it all day long.  He obviously thought about it after he told me as well – because he continued to text me and invite me out.  I am realizing how difficult it is for married men.  And I am so thankful that I am not married, and I can do whatever I want.

Some really good things came out of it – 1)  I got my house clean, 2)it forced me to humble myself to Randy, 3)  I really got a chance to see that I am in a good place.   If this would have happened last week – it would have affected me and depressed me.

So I ended up going to Al’s DJ set last night.  It was actually a very good set – and he played a lot of very good things that I never heard before.  I am hoping he burns a CD of that set.  And I should have remembered some of the songs he played – but my memory is not that great.

He bought the new Mix Mag for me.  He is so sweet.

I slept incredibly well last night, and I haven’t had a sleeping pill in two nights.  I had dreams – but don’t even remember what they were about.

So the only thing I have planned for this evening is to let Josh cut and color my hair.  But I have this feeling that I haven’t heard the last of Jason – and that he will text again tonight.  We’ll see.

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It’s On

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , , , on October 18, 2011 by razor

Randy just called and said she will go out tonight!  Excellent!  This should be a good time!  I am feeling terribly exhausted right now however.  I would love to go home and take a nap – but I think I should try to clean up my house just a bit more.  Ugh… I wish I would have slept better last night.

So I am finally seeing some chinks in Kevin’s armor.  He seems to be a bit frustrated/confused about all of his ladies.  He confided in me today that he has also recently hooked up with Jenna (which I am surprised that he didn’t tell me sooner.)  He said she was boring.  The other day he said that he would also be willing to move away with Vicky or Alisha away from here – which I thought was interesting.  Today he told me that he had told Vicky that he would have a serious relationship with her – but I guess she didn’t want one ???  He is trying to push Alisha away right now, but just enough that “he could still go back if he wanted to.”  It is so interesting to see all this from the inside.  He wants Vicky to go with us to the Savoy concert – or take someone totally “different altogether”.  We’ll see.

I guess as far as Kev is concerned -  I love his friendship.  We are always helping each other out (he helped me bring stuff up to the labs today – and he is not even one of my work study students anymore).  He has also been extra sympathetic/empathetic to my situations lately – which I appreciate.

I am so glad we never hooked up all theway – because I think if we would have – we would not still be as good friends.

I was supposed to go see Al DJ tonight – but if we go out with Jason and David – I am not taking them to go see him DJ – I don’t think that would be a good idea.

And good news – so much progress – I am going hours at a time without thinking about Mike, and when I do – it doesn’t feel as painful.  I am sure that I am over a huge hump, and it will get easier and easier.  I am looking forward to when I finally go days without thinking about him.  Soon, I’m sure – soon.

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Kevin O’Donnell

Posted in Journal with tags on October 18, 2011 by razor

All I can say is – God I love Kev!

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Another Night of Insomnia

Posted in Journal with tags , , , , , , on October 18, 2011 by razor

I stayed up cleaning house until midnight, and then had a difficult time falling asleep.  I eventually did – but just did not get very much sleep last night.  Despite that – I don’t feel so badly.  I can tell that I am doing much better.  Hopefully this trend of doing better will continue just getting better and better.

I talked to Randy this morning about going out on the date tonight.  She said she would think about it.  I think she might go – which would be really fun.

Other than that – it looks like it will be a busy day here.  I need to go buy some supplies for Bio 100L, and make some cards for the Bio 181L.  I am lending Cat $50.00 – so we will go during lunch together to get that.

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